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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23289391">“You think that I'm ashamed of you but I'm ashamed of myself.”</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleTurtle95/pseuds/LittleTurtle95'>LittleTurtle95</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>From paper to the screen, a Shadowhunter adventure [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Character Development, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Reconciliation, Season Finale, Supportive Magnus Bane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:00:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,328</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23289391</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleTurtle95/pseuds/LittleTurtle95</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec Lightwood is going to get married today and he's going to ask his father to come. Or not?<br/>He told Maryse he was going to, but now that the day has come he's not so sure anymore.<br/>Why would Robert want to go to his wedding anyway? It's not like he approves his relationship with Magnus.<br/>But maybe, maybe things are more complicated than they seem. Maybe Robert has something to say about this, after all.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood &amp; Robert Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>From paper to the screen, a Shadowhunter adventure [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1674868</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>137</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>“You think that I'm ashamed of you but I'm ashamed of myself.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Last week I finished reading The Mortal Instruments and finished watching the TV Show too.<br/>I loved both the show and the books, and yet they're so different.<br/>This gave me this crazy idea: I'll take the quotes that I like the most from the books and I'll try to merge them into the TV show verse.<br/>There are so many wonderful lines in the books that I think will suit the show perfectly, so I want to try this experiment, I hope you're going to like it!<br/>The lines I took directly from the books are the one underlined with italics. You'll know when you'll see them.</p><p>TW: homophobia</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I don’t know if I want to do this.” Alec murmured, looking at the stele in his hands like it could give him the answer he was looking for.</p><p>Someone sighed behind him, so close he felt the warm breath on the back of his neck. </p><p>Magnus was sitting behind him in bed, Alec’s back pressed on his chest, his chin nuzzled in the curve of Alec’s shoulder. He pressed his lips to Alec’s collarbone and whispered “You don’t have to do this. Nobody is going to blame you either way.”</p><p>“Sometimes I think about it and I think that I should. I should because he’s my father. He’s my father after all, and he wasn’t that bad to me before. It’s not like he’s Valentine like Jace’s or…”</p><p>“Or a prince of hell, like mine?”</p><p>Alec took in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry, I’m being an asshole”</p><p>“You’re not, darling. I’m perfectly aware Asmodeus doesn’t exactly win the title of <em> father of the year. </em>He nearly took you away from me, remember?”</p><p>And how could Alec forget the hardest choice he ever had to make in all his life. But he didn't say that. Instead he said: “My dad wanted to take me away from you too.”</p><p>Magnus couldn't object at that, so he stayed silent.</p><p>“It’s my wedding we’re talking about-”</p><p>“<em>Our </em> wedding” Magnus corrected him, and Alec felt Magnus’ lips curling up in a smile now pressed on his shoulder blades’ skin.</p><p>“Our wedding” he admitted, and he couldn’t help but smile a little bit himself too. “Point is, he is family and this is such an important… occasion. Perhaps it would be too rude. Certainly it wouldn’t be polite not to.”</p><p>“Darling, seriously, nobody is-”</p><p>“Magnus, please, let me finish first” he said, his voice so pleading that his <em>soon - to - be - husband’</em>s lips immediately closed shut, and he passed his arms around Alec’s waist to pull him closer, their bodies fitting perfectly as if they were made for each other. Maybe they were.</p><p>“But other times I think it further and I realise I probably shouldn't, because it wouldn't be fair to  you. Or mom.” he waited for Magnus to say something but this time it seemed like he really did want to just listen until he was finished. “He broke her heart, it was his fault, and I don't want her to feel miserable on my, <em> our </em>, wedding day. And to you, well, I don't even have to say that, do I? He never liked you. He asked me to break up with you. He told me I was young and confused, and I had to wait because it was going to pass, eventually. He asked me,” he chuckled bitterly, “he asked me what do I think that turned me gay.”</p><p>He closed his eyes, and leaned completely on the warm steady body behind him, the only thing that grounded him at the moment. Magnus kissed him again, this time on the back of his ear, giving him all the time he needed. “There are a lot of reasonable reasons why I shouldn't exclude him, a lot of reasonable reasons why I shouldn't invite him and I don't know what to do. Magnus, I don't know what to do. Help me.”</p><p>“Classic Lightwood.” Magnus said, and if someone would have be offended by those words, Alec knew there was no judgment behind them, only earnest knowledge and a touch of affection. “I know you've been raised to think that everything has to be politically convenient, but sometimes you just have to stop thinking whether which option is more socially acceptable and start wondering what you really want to do.”</p><p>“I… I never saw it that way”</p><p>“I know, darling. But this is not a diplomatic occurrence, this is just one day we get to be happy with the people we love. I can't say I like your father. I can't say you should forgive him. I can't say I appreciate how he treated you in the past. But he made you, he gave me the best gift anyone ever gave me. And this is your choice to make, not mine nor Maryse’s. I would never, <em> ever </em>, force you not to ask him to come, and neither would she. On the other hand, if his presence will make you feel threatened or pressured in any way I assure you no one is going to blame you if you don't want him to come. Probably not even himself.”</p><p>“So what… what would you do? If you were me?”</p><p>Magnus’ smile grew wider, Alec felt it on his skin and heard it in his voice as he talked. “If I were you? Well I’m not going to invite <em> my </em>father, for all that matters. But I can't tell you what to do. If I were you I'd be the hottest, sassiest, smartest, kindest shadowhunter in New York, but I'm not. You do you, Alexander. Do you want your father to be by your side today or not?”</p><p>“Idiot.” Alec said under his breath, his cheeks turning darker.</p><p>“I love to make your flustered baby, you're so cute!”</p><p>“Magnus, stop!” he raised his voice, but the tone was light and playful. He cleared his throat and shifted slightly, to be able to turn his head enough to kiss him on the lips. </p><p>“Please, make me a portal to Idris. I don't want to send him a fire message. I need to tell him myself.”</p><p>Two golden cat-like eyes were looking at him with love and fondness. Alec stared deep into them for a few moments, they never failed to amaze him, in all their beautiful shining uniqueness. They were his and only his to see and he knew this.</p><p>“I am so proud of you. And I love you so much.”</p><p>Alec's heart grew impossibly bigger as he leaned in and kissed Magnus again. “I love you too.”</p><p> </p><p>He had always liked being in Idris, and even if his family moved from there to New York when he was only two years old, he couldn't but consider it home, in a way. The loft in Brooklyn was where he felt safe, comfortable and loved. The Institute was familiar, steady and it meant family. Idris was the angel blood in his veins, his ancestry, the fire carved in his ring and the fire that was pumping his heart too. </p><p>At this point he knew every corner of the city by heart, memories of when he used to play with his cousins running on the streets under the sun, while his parents were busy at their meetings with the clave playing in his mind again as he walked. Beautiful memories, happy memories, that couldn't be touched even by the war they just fought and won, when everything was on fire, and the glass towers shattered in a thousand pieces, demons crying and devouring everything and everyone they saw. </p><p>It had been only a few days prior but it already looked like nothing happened, warlocks probably helped the shadowhunters to get everything back to normal just as it was before.</p><p>When he finally spotted the house his father used to live in when he had to be in town for the meetings, he stopped dead and held a breath. </p><p>He still wasn't one hundred percent sure this was the right decision, and he didn't know how his father was going to react.</p><p>
  <em> Come on Alec, you went to hell and back yesterday. You can tell your father you're getting married. Come on. Come on. </em>
</p><p>He thought about Magnus’ glowing eyes, his perfect smile and how soft he sounded when he just told him <em> I’m so proud of you </em>, then he closed his eyes, and breathed.</p><p>
  <em> I can do this.  </em>
</p><p>He slowly got closer and after a long excruciating second he brought himself to knock. </p><p>“Coming!” he heard a familiar voice yell from inside, and he was already starting to regret his decision when Robert Lightwood opened the door.</p><p>“Alec?” the man asked, confusion quickly changing in concern. “Alec, what are you doing here? What happened? Are you okay?”</p><p>“Father.” he said awkwardly, looking at him hoping he could understand what he wanted to tell him just looking in his eyes. It didn't work.</p><p>“You’re scaring me. What’s wrong? Did you get injured? Is- is Maryse okay? Isabelle?” </p><p>His slightly panicked tone snapped Alec back to focus. “No! I mean, yes! Everything is okay! Everyone is fine. I just- I wanted to tell you something. Can I come in?”</p><p>The man relaxed his shoulders but his confused frown deepened. “Of course, come on in. Do you want something to drink? Water? Wine? Cognac? Do you want to sit down?” he asked, as he let him come inside and closed the door behind them.</p><p>“Fath-,<em> dad </em>.” Alec said, his voice unnaturally firm. Robert closed his mouth and looked at him, waiting for him to say something.</p><p>“I am here to tell you… I am here to tell you I'm getting married. To Magnus. Tonight.”</p><p>The man looked at him like he’s just grown a second head. “You are...you are getting married? To Magnus? Tonight?”</p><p>Alec stiffened. “Of course you don't want to come. I would have been surprised otherwise, honestly. It's just, I thought- nevermind. I don't know why I came here in the first place.”</p><p>“Alec, wait!” Robert almost yelled, and his son flinched in surprise. “You… you want me to come? I mean… do you still want me to?”</p><p>Alec shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably. “I guess. Maybe. Sometimes I think I want to, sometimes I don't. I mean, you probably don't want to come in the first place, so it doesn't matter, does it? After all the things you said-”</p><p>
  <em> “I<span class="u"> did, I said unforgivable things. I know that,” he said. “But I have always been proud of you, and I am no less proud now. ”   </span> </em>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> “I don’t believe you.”    </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> “When I was your age, younger, I had a parabatai,” said Robert.   </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> “Yes, Michael Wayland,” said Alec, not caring that he sounded bitter, not caring about the look on his father’s face. “I know. It’s why you took Jace in. I always thought you two must not have been particularly close. You didn’t seem to miss him much, or mind that he was dead”    </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> “I didn’t believe he was dead,” said Robert. “I know that must seem hard to imagine; our bond had been severed by the sentence of exile passed down by the Clave, but even before that, we had grown apart. There was a time, though, when we were close, the best of friends; there was a time when he told me that he loved me.”    </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> Something about the weight his father put on the words brought Alec up short. “Michael Wayland was in love with you?”   </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>  “I was… not kind to him about it,” said Robert. “I told him never to say those words to me again. I was afraid, and I left him alone with his thoughts and feelings and fears, and we were never close again as we had been. I took Jace in to make up, in some small measure, for what I had done, but I know there is no making up for it.”  </em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em> He looked at Alec, and his dark blue eyes were steady. “You think that I am ashamed of you, but I am ashamed of myself. I look at you, and I see the mirror of my own unkindness to someone who never deserved it. We find in our children our own selves again, who might be made better than we are. Alec, you are so much a better man than I ever was, or will be.” </em> </span>
</p><p>“I… I didn’t know. I didn't know. I had no idea.” Alec looked so lost, like the world just lost his balance, and Robert dared to touch his arm. He didn’t push him away.</p><p>“Nobody knows. I never told anyone, and I'm sure he didn't as well. Now that he’s gone, there are only two people in the world that know this, and they’re all in this room.”</p><p>“I don’t know... I don’t know if it makes it better or worse.”</p><p>“Nothing could make how I treated you sound better, and nothing could make it worse.” Robert said, and if Alec didn't know him, he would have thought his eyes were wet with tears. “Listen, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I pushed my parabatai, my other half, away. I took Maryse for granted and disrespected her. I followed Valentine and fought side by side with him when I knew what he fought for was cruel and wrong. I told you that you weren’t a real shadowhunter nor a real man because of who you loved. I failed on many, many things but if there’s one thing I didn’t, it is raising you. And every time I look at you I know my life wasn't a waste.”</p><p>Alec knew if he tried to say something he would start crying, so he stayed silent, his throat burning and his chest heavier and lighter than it ever felt. </p><p>“You shouldn’t forgive me, I know I don’t deserve it. But if you do… if you do and you still want me by your side, I’d be honoured to be with you tonight.”</p><p>“Yes. Yes. Come.” he whispered, and before he could say anything else Robert was pulling him into an hug.</p><p>Alec froze for a moment, his father’s arms holding him more tigthly than he ever did, and  he slowly hugged him back.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Alec. I’m so sorry.” he started murmuring in his ear, and Alec knew he hadn't forgave him just yet, but he started to think he could, one day, if he proved himself to be worthy.</p><p>And suddenly it felt like a ton of weight that crashed him all his life suddenly fell from his shoulders. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay I don't like Robert Lightwood and he really did Alec dirty (he's even worse in the books wtf), but when he revealed about what happened with Micheal, and the way he told Alec really moved me, probably because I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING like, at all.<br/>I wanted to see show!Alec handling this conversation and I made this.<br/>I have some other book quotes to re arrange in this universe so brace yourselves!</p><p>Comments are always appreciated 🌺</p></blockquote></div></div>
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